Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. Boundaries should be based on your values, or the things that are important to you. Your boundaries are yours, and yours alone.
A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.
Many of your boundaries might align with those who are close to you, but others will be unique. It's important to consider your boundaries before entering a situation. This will make it less likely you’ll do something you’re not comfortable with.
Getting Started
You always have the right to say “no” or hold a boundary for yourself. Placing a boundary can be something you've thought out carefully, or it can be done quickly in the moment.
When placing a boundary, express yourself clearly and without ambiguity so there is no doubt about what you want.
Here are some examples of what this may sound like:
- “I’m not comfortable with...”
- “I can’t do that for you.”
- “This is not acceptable.”
- “Please don’t do that.”
- “This doesn’t work for me.”
- “I’m drawing the line at...”
- “Not at this time.”
- “I’ve decided not to.”
- “I don’t want to do that.”
Pro Tips for Setting Boundaries
People will not always respond well to being on the receiving end of a boundary. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t place it; it just means you may have to reinforce your limits and think through how to best communicate your needs to the other person.
You may find success by implementing the following while placing your boundary:
1) Use Confident Body Language
Face the other person, make eye contact, and use a steady tone of voice at an appropriate volume (not too quiet, and not too loud). Using affirmations can help your confidence.
2) Be Respectful
Avoid yelling, using put-downs, or giving the silent treatment. It’s okay to be firm, but your message will be better received if you are respectful.
3) Plan Ahead
Think about what you want to say, and how you will say it, before entering a difficult discussion. This can help you feel more confident about your position and resist the urge of backing down if you face resistance from the other person. Ground yourself before the conversation.
4) Compromise
When appropriate, listen and consider the needs of the other person. You never have to compromise, but give-and-take is part of any healthy relationship.
Let's Practice!
Respond to the following practice questions as if you were really in each situation. Think about the language you would use to firmly state your boundary. Look back to the previous sections for tips!
Situation 1
You notice your roommate has been eating your food in the fridge. You never discussed plans to share food, and don’t want them eating what you bought.
Situation 2
Your friend calls you at 11 pm to discuss issues she is having with her boyfriend. You need to wake up at 6 am.
Situation 3
Your brother asks if you can watch his two young children on Saturday morning. You already have plans.
Situation 4
Your dad loves calling to check in with you, but often calls at inopportune times. He expects you to answer and/or call back promptly but these conversations interrupt your day. This is starting to cause anxiety around his calls.
Situation 5
Your mom likes to drop by your house for frequent visits. She has a key to your house for emergencies but has started to let herself in even when you are not home. This has started not to sit right with you.
Think about a person with whom you don't consider having healthy boundaries. Perhaps with them you're overly-rigid with your boundaries, and therefore keep this person at a distance. Or maybe you have been compromising your own values due to struggling to stand up for your own limits.
- What steps can you take to create healthier boundaries with this person?
- How do you think this person will respond to you enforcing a boundary?
- What changes do you anticipate seeing in your life once you’ve placed these boundaries?
