People thrive on having a plan.
People naturally set expectations. People in general like to know what is going on. (Hi, we are people) And even if you may have made significant progress in personal development, whether that be through therapy, coaching, boundaries, or wellness practices, it is natural (and likely) that you will feel unsettled with unexpected and pivotal changes. Unexpected events, like the COVID pandemic, forced everyone to adapt and change course. While many aspects of life transitions can be or are beyond your control, a strong sense of self-trust can greatly influence your ability to handle change in stride.
So, how can you be more authentic? How can you safeguard yourself from extra stress and pain when things don’t go according to plan? What can you do to fully trust yourself?
1. Know what you value, need, and what brings you back.
Changes, while difficult, allow space to explore what is truly valued and desired in life. Reflecting on personal values and beliefs is essential. Often, the expectations individuals have for themselves are based on societal, familial, or friends' values rather than their own. When there is tension between personal values and reality, the change can be particularly challenging. An important act of self-care is to identify your core values, your core needs, and your core touchstones. These are foundational to living in alignment, fulfillment, and in complement with the world around you. When a massive change interrupts your life, the sooner you can reconnect with these areas of yourself, the sooner you will start to find inner peace within the hurricane of change.
- Values are deeply held ideals that guide us and give meaning to our lives.
- Needs are commonly associated with physical and emotional survival, such as the need for health and safety, or love and connection.
- Touchstones are items, ideas, mantras, affirmations, or any physical or nonphysical tool that brings you back into a grounded and present state. They work to ground by:
- Helping you focus on your senses
- Distracting you from worries about the past or future
- Providing a item to focus on
- Reminding you to practice mindfulness
- Giving you a comfort item for self-care
My Core Values:
My Core Needs
My Core Touchstones:
2. Find your inner coach, fire your inner critic.
The inner voice is a powerful tool that can either foster growth (the coach) or hinder authenticity (the critic). During times of change, the inner critic can instill self-doubt and fear. It is beneficial to transition from an inner critic to an inner coach by exploring core limiting beliefs and negative thoughts that undermine self-trust. One major misnomer is the belief that being kind to ourselves or practicing self-compassion will weaken our drive or motivation. However, self-compassion fuels motivation through love, whereas self-criticism stems from fear. Love is a stronger motivator than fear, and self-compassion does not lead to laziness.
What is my inner critic saying?
What would a kind friend say?
3. Sit in the sh*t
Sometimes, changes are simply painful. Accepting the discomfort of difficult situations is crucial. Learning to "sit" with discomfort helps in managing change, setting boundaries, and having tough conversations with others, ultimately leading to a more authentic self. Living with inner peace doesn’t mean that we roll over and allow for things to happen to us. Engaged balance or equanimity is perhaps the core characteristic of inner peace. “Engaged balance” means that inner peace is a mental state as a person actively participates in life situations. It is the realization that we have a choice: reaction or constructive response. This does not mean we ignore that emotions are present, rather, we choose to acknowledge them with a kind and compassionate voice, and then decide how we think it is best to proceed. This takes a lot of active practice and requires a recommitment to the practice often.
What is in my control?
What is out of my control?
What is the gift in this emotion?
While this list is not exhaustive, exploring personal values and inner voice is an excellent first step toward authenticity and growth through change. There is power within each individual to face change and transition with hope, and joy begins and ends within oneself.
