What's covered:
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Setting boundaries with family and friends about your love life.
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Developing a “Boundary Script” for those probing questions.
Setting boundaries can protect you from toxic relationships and stress, while serving as a roadmap for those in your life to understand how you need to be treated—minimizing unnecessary friction in relationships.
Setting boundaries is hard, particularly with family who seem especially skilled at pushing your buttons. This course has spent a lot of time discussing values and what is important to you. This directly relates to boundaries: what you value is what you want to protect.
One important thing to remember is that it is okay to live a life that you love, even if your family does not understand it. Don’t wait until they push your buttons or trigger you on this topic; anticipate it! Know your triggers, the emotions they bring up, and how you want to respond.
So, what do you do if they ask that dreaded question, “Why are you single?”
- Assume the best in them: They most likely want the best for you, and in their mind, a relationship might be one of their top values or requirements for a happy life.
- Counter with humor: “Do you have anyone to set me up with?”
- Don’t feel like you need to justify or defend your single state: Figuring out what you need and want out of a relationship instead of dating just to date is a brave and authentic choice.
- If it feels like the same people ask you about your relationship status every time you see them, respond firmly but kindly with: “I notice that you ask me about my marital status on a regular basis. I’m curious about why you do this. Can you help me understand, please?”
- If some family members are pushy or critical about your status, it’s important for you to first be comfortable with your singledom. Ultimately, it comes down to how you feel about yourself and your relationship or marital status. If you have a negative view about yourself due to being single, you will react more strongly to their questioning. You are growing and learning about your future in love, and that is something to be proud of.
Lastly, utilize the CHARM tactic: Compliment, Honesty, Action, Redirect, Mannerly.
Compliment the person or say something nice to soften the reaction.
Be honest and tell them in a kind yet direct way that you don’t need their input.
State the action that is the next step so it’s clear you don’t need advice.
Redirect the conversation.
And always use your manners!
End on a positive note. For example, if your sister Sarah is trying to give you relationship advice that you didn’t ask for, you could say: “Sarah, I truly value your opinion; however, at the moment, I need to figure this out on my own. If I need your advice, I’ll be sure to ask. Let’s talk about our beach plans instead. I do appreciate you caring.”
- Do you feel pressure from outside sources to find a significant other?
- How do these pressures typically affect how you feel about yourself?