For better or worse, the way we see and respond to the world is often influenced by our family of origin. Family cycles refer to recurring patterns of behavior within a family unit that repeat across generations.
The Impact of Family Cycles
When the patterns and beliefs that are passed on are harmful, these learned behaviors and views can negatively affect an entire family line.
Understanding family cycles is important because it can shed light on why certain harmful behaviors or issues persist within a family over time. It allows individuals to recognize patterns that may be detrimental and seek ways to break these negative cycles.
Family cycles can influence:
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How we communicate with others
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How we handle conflict
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Role expectations
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Values and beliefs
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Coping patterns
Dysfunctional Family Cycles in Real Life
- Communication: Perhaps the norm in your family was addressing differences in a confrontational way-this often meant loud discussions that were not sensitive to how the other was feeling. Fast forward to your adult life, and you and your wife have had an increase in arguments lately. She is not sure she is willing to stay in the relationship if something doesn’t change. She claims that she feels attacked and scared any time you don’t agree with her.
- Conflict: Any time your dad got frustrated, he would leave the house for several hours. When he returned, he would pretend that nothing happened. You’ve noticed an inability to handle conflict and this is damaging your relationship with your partner.
- Roles: Your parents held “traditional” roles throughout your childhood: your father worked during the week and your mother stayed home and had dinner ready every night. They thought poorly of households that operated differently. Your wife finds great joy and fulfillment in her career and brings in more money than you do- this is causing you to feel some insecurity.
- Values or Beliefs: You grew up believing that people with a different religion than you were less-than because of statements your grandparents made around you as a child. You’ve noticed the bias that you hold against people of different religions, and this doesn’t align with your values.
- Coping patterns: Your mother used to drink too much any time she felt sad. Recently you notice your alcohol consumption increases when you aren’t feeling your best.
Breaking Family Cycles
Breaking family cycles means recognizing dysfunctional patterns and dynamics in oneself or one’s family and consciously interrupting those patterns. This can be a difficult process, sometimes met with resistance from family members stuck in the same cycles. Here are some steps to walk through as you take steps toward changing your family’s narrative:
A Step-by-Step Guide
1) Awareness and Recognition: Reflect on your family’s internal beliefs, values, history, dynamics, and interactions to identify recurring themes or problems. Recognize how these patterns impact others. Explore whether these observations align with your own values.
2) Seek Healing: Understand how you were impacted by these generational cycles and seek healing. We encourage you to process this with a therapist.
3) Take Responsibility: Acknowledge the role you have played in perpetuating certain behaviors or dynamics and how this has impacted others.
4) Seek Change: Take proactive steps to initiate change. Identify what cycles you want to break and what you want to replace them with. This might involve setting new boundaries, improving communication, or adopting healthier coping mechanisms. This step is also beneficial to do alongside a professional.
