Inner Child 101 - Heal Unresolved Childhood Experiences

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Inner-child work aims to reconnect with and heal unresolved childhood experiences and traumas that continue to affect a person's adult life. Through this work, a person can identify their own patterns of behavior or emotional reactions that may stem from childhood experiences.

The information provided here is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitue for professional therapy. However, by understanding these patterns, you can work to change unhealthy behaviors and responses; with the ultimate goal of fostering self-acceptance, self-compassion, and a more authentic sense of identity.

4 Basic Needs Your Inner Child Wants Fulfilled

1. The need for attachment (closeness, connection, and care)

Attachment is one of our strongese human needs. Research shows that humans are wired for connection, and there can be disastrous effects on self-esteem, relationships, and overall stability if we don't get secure attachment throughout all of our life stages.

This could show up in adult life as struggling to show emotion, especially love and care to others in your life. Sometimes people struggle to maintain close relationships, friendship and romantic relationships, and feel a sense of fear when people get "too close." Some people might push others away if they sense too much vulnerability.

2. The need for autonomy and control.

For those of you who have toddlers or have ever seen a toddler, you know what this looks like. The need to feel autonomous and to control our surroundings starts young, and when we are not given age-appropriate ways to exert that autonomy and control, it can affect us later. We can either become pushovers because we don’t know what to do with freedom, or we can be rigid in our thinking patterns and push others away with our inflexibility.

3. The need for satisfaction of pleasure or avoidance of displeasure.

Humans don’t really like to hurt or sit with displeasure. This is a tough one, because there are so many situations in which we need to be able to be uncomfortable. Without discomfort, growth is impossible. We also need to have opportunities for fun and pleasure- lightness is not always valued in our culture.

This can show up in your adult life as being so focused on your career and goals that you lack the motivation for fun. Inner child work isn't only about connecting to the hurt parts of your inner child, but also the fun parts that can inspire creativity - whether it be art, music, sports or any type of joy. It's just as important to seek joy as it is to be able to withstand discomfort.

4. The need for recognition

Recognition feels like being “seen and heard.” Adults often overlook the words of children and dismiss their emotional experiences. In this case, as a child moves into adulthood, the message they have absorbed is that their emotions are not valid, that they don’t have a space to share how they’re feeling, and that it makes more sense to suppress what they’re going through because it makes other people more comfortable.

Unfortunately, what we resist, persists, and we find ourselves suffering because we don’t honor that need for recognition.

While exploring the inner child is often helpful to do alongside a therapist, you can carefully begin to explore this with the following prompts:

What makes you so angry you could scream, now and as a child? Were you allowed to express this anger? Can you connect your anger to a violation of one of the human basic needs?
When do you feel the most comfortable?
Identify what you wish you’d had or had more of as a child.
How can you give yourself today the things you wish others had given you?

For further exploration on this topic, listen to the Inner Child Meditation