What's covered:
- Essential practices to help you get to know yourself better.
- A guided exercise to help you learn what you like to do.
- Why being responsible for your feelings is important.
Essential questions and practices to help you get to know yourself better
Actually start to get to know yourself! What are YOU into? What are your interests, hobbies, and values? It is essential to create a fulfilling lifestyle for yourself. Your partner is an additive to a fulfilling life, not the only way to have a fulfilling life.
Part of finding yourself is discovering what makes you happy and protecting it. But you may be asking yourself: “How do I know what makes me happy? How do I figure that out?” You are not alone if you have asked yourself these questions. Many adults find themselves lost for answers when they get out of higher education. After having commonality with others your age, it can be difficult to start in a new city without those connections or common ground. Figuring out what makes you happy takes a little bit of awareness and trial and error. Practice showing up and befriending yourself. Build your voice by asking yourself:
"If I were the only person on earth, would I still want to do ___?"
This removes other people's influence from your decision-making and frees you up to determine how you actually feel. This will also help when you feel a negative inner critic arise. When doubting your inner voice, ask yourself: “What concrete evidence do I have to support this?” Even asking yourself this will allow you to step back and realize that you might be in a negative thought spiral.
A stronger inner voice helps you determine when to give and take. Everyone should be open to being challenged—that is how we grow! But if you are always going with what the other person wants, you can start to realize that the connection might be one-sided or skewed.
Exercise: Complete this exploration into activities you enjoy.
- Wipe your happiness slate clean. Clear out any previously held illusions of what happiness looks like. Let go of whatever society has told you will bring you more joy — they don’t know you like you do.
- Start taking detailed notes when you feel really happy. Think about moments of happiness as those times when you lift your face to the sky and grin, or moments when you don’t feel the need to look at your phone — activities that pass by in the blink of an eye. (Obviously enjoy the moment, but remember the details and write them down!)
- When you have a moment, break down those happy moments so you can create more of them. By dissecting the details, you can move away from thinking, 'This one activity, in this context, makes me happy,' to understanding, 'I feel happiness when I am experiencing a, b, and c.' This way, you can identify those aspects that fill you up in your day-to-day life.
- Remember what made you happy as a kid. That was the last time you didn’t give a damn about what other people thought and just did something because it made YOU happy.
- Remind yourself, 'This makes me happy.' It may seem simple and silly, but it is important for you to acknowledge the happiness that you are experiencing during a certain activity or moment. These moments can be wonderful to look back on during those blue days. Like anything else, happiness is a muscle that grows stronger the more you use it.
Be responsible for your feelings
Becoming responsible for your feelings can be a hard pill to swallow, but here are some examples of where relying on others for your feelings may become problematic:
- “I want someone who makes me feel secure”
- “I want someone who makes me feel confident”
- “I want someone who makes me feel alive”
- “I want someone who makes me feel loved.”
When you make the other person responsible for how you feel, you also tend to blame them when you don’t feel that way. Ultimately, you are primarily responsible for how you feel. Furthermore, placing the responsibility for your feelings onto another person creates a narrative where you are not able to generate those feelings for yourself. Some emotional needs can be fulfilled when you prioritize a self-fulfilling lifestyle.
- What areas of your life do you have a strong inner voice?
- In what areas could you improve your inner voice?
- What does a fulfilled lifestyle look like? What is it filled with?
- What are some areas where you can make it happen for yourself?
- What are the areas that truly do require another person?