Module 6: Discernment of Inner Voice vs. A Harsh Inner Critic


What's covered:

  • What are ANTs?
  • How to squash ANTs.
  • Discernment- When your inner voice might be right.



ANTs

Once you start exploring what you like and who you are, negative self-talk can pop up, making you feel like self-love is silly. Learning to challenge and navigate negative self-talk can significantly improve your relationship with yourself and others. By spotting your negative self-talk habits, you'll be better at noticing when you're being hard on yourself or affecting potential romantic connections.

One thing to remember is that our inner critic comes from a smaller, younger part of ourselves that has been hurt in the past. This critic learned long ago that you can be emotionally hurt by others, and in its own unique (but most of the time unhelpful) way, this part is trying to protect you from future hurts. This part of you can bring Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) to any situation that feels new, requires vulnerability, or could potentially cause emotional pain (dating, in a nutshell).

What are some ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) when it comes to dating? ANTs can come at all stages of dating. Here are some examples:

While talking online:
“They must find me unappealing because they aren’t responding.”
“If I looked like  ______ , or had a different _____, I would have more matches.”


While at a bar/party/social event and other friends are being approached:
    “My friends are prettier than me, more attractive, cooler….”
    “I will never attract anyone because of my ______.”


While on a first date:
“He/she doesn’t seem like they’re into me.”

 

As things progress:
“This probably won’t have any future." 


After a break-up or a “ghosting”:
“This always happens to me; I’m not good enough.”

 


How to squash ANTs

You might have heard the saying, "What you think is what you become." It may sound like an exaggeration, but there's a lot of truth to it. Returning to the idea of neuroplasticity, your thoughts create neural pathways in your brain, and over time, these pathways become more permanent. When your inner monologue is primarily negative, those thoughts become a part of you, part of your narrative, and ultimately the story you have about yourself. This narrative starts to become automatic and beyond your control. These automatic negative thoughts form habits that can completely change your outlook on life. A change in outlook can affect what and who you say yes to, what you are willing to try, and how you approach opportunities. On the flip side, filling your mind with positive thoughts can have a similar, but beneficial, effect.

Instead of viewing the world through rose-colored glasses or forcing toxic positivity, you could use this Challenging Questions checklist to help change negative thinking patterns:

  • Is there any other way of looking at the situation?
  • Is there any other explanation?
  • How would someone else, like a friend, think about the situation? Or what would you tell a friend who had the thought?
  • Am I using all-or-nothing thinking? Is there a middle ground?
  • Am I expecting more of myself than I do of other people?
  • Am I overestimating (or underestimating) how much control and responsibility I have in this situation?
  • What is the most realistic thing that would happen if my thought came true?
  • Do I have other ways of handling the problem?
  • Am I overestimating the risk involved?
  • Am I predicting the future as if I have a crystal ball?

By using this checklist of questions, you are providing yourself with the mental space to challenge automatic thinking patterns versus letting yourself get carried away. We recommend working with a licensed therapist if you are having trouble with automatic negative thinking or spiraling thinking patterns.


Discernment– When the warning bells might be right

Sometimes your inner voice doesn’t need to be ignored. Remember when I said that part of you is only looking out for your safety? Most of the time, the perceived threat is surface level (e.g., getting rejected when asking someone out or looking silly in front of others). Other times, your inner voice could be sending signals that you need to listen to for your safety, well-being, or to do the right thing. Utilizing the above questions can be helpful when determining when your inner voice needs to be heeded. You can also learn how to listen to and trust your gut instincts. Trusting your gut comes down to having a certain level of self-awareness and listening to those warning signals within you. This could look or feel like:

  • Butterflies or a pit in your stomach
  • Held tension in your body or a gnawing thought that won’t go away
  • The feeling of goosebumps or the hairs on your body standing up
  • The feeling of needing to avoid a situation, place, or person for unknown reasons

Don’t brush off a feeling that doesn’t seem right, especially if your safety is in question. When going into new dating situations, it is important to understand the difference between an automatic negative thought and your gut feelings. 



  • What are some of your ANTs?
  • Which questions from the "Challenging Questions" checklist feel most useful to you?