Module 11: Expectations vs. Reality


What's covered:

  • Managing expectations: why and how.
  • The secret sauce: staying authentic and present.
  • An argument for starting simple and how to remain grounded.



The problem with expectations...

Have you ever had the expectation that you need to feel the sparks fly when first dating or in a relationship? Do you find yourself going into the first date and simultaneously planning the rest of your life with this person? This may sound extreme, but there is an underlying point:
 
“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.”

Think about the last time you went on a first date. Right after, where was your headspace? Did a casual first date suddenly become a much bigger deal afterwards? Did you overanalyze everything you or the other person said or did?

Isn’t it funny how people can quickly get wrapped up in another person? If it doesn’t work out, people naturally feel hurt or think that there is something wrong with them. When in reality, that very rejection is coming from someone they hardly know—someone who, in actuality, doesn’t mean much.

That’s because the idea of them meant a lot. The idea of a future with this idealized person meant a lot. The actual person? Well, that is a different story (sometimes they are and sometimes they aren’t, but the truth of the matter is you cannot figure that out on the first or even second date). There’s nothing wrong with being excited about someone you’ve met. But there is a difference between being excited about someone you met and being excited about the idea of someone you met. And it's important to know the difference.


“What determines the success or disappointment of a first date has less to do with an immediate spark and more to do with creating the right conditions for turning that spark into a lingering flame that leaves us burning to experience more. We seek to maximize the efficiency of our dates, to get through them so we can skip right to the cost-benefit analysis. But our hyperfocus on being productive can cause us to miss the rich tapestry of what makes a person unique, compelling, or even a surprisingly good match. Just because someone doesn’t check all of our boxes, doesn’t mean they don’t have something to offer that we’ve never thought of before.” - Esther Parel

When we go in with certain expectations, boxes that need to be checked, or preconceived notions, this is what can happen:

  • It keeps you from being present.
  • It creates unrealistic ideas about what should happen, also known as “future living.”
  • It prevents you from showing up authentically. Think: Which version of you shows up to a date?
  • It clouds your judgment.

If you are in a mindset of needing to find a partner, you risk filling in the blanks. This means you might assume the best about a person or minimize things that feel like red flags, purely based on your desire to be dating someone.


Guides to keep realistic first date(s) expectations:

Keep it simple. The first date doesn’t have to be anything more than getting a coffee, going to a farmers market, or meeting for a walk (public places, though!). By setting yourself up for a familiar experience, you are also setting yourself up for a lower level of stress about the activity itself, allowing you to show up as yourself a little more.

Be a better listener. Remember, this isn’t all about the other person liking you; you also have a say. Listening and observing is the best way to learn about another person. Listen actively and respond accordingly. This is the path of least resistance to learning about the other person. Asking questions that arise from active listening shows that you are interested in them. Look for the other person to ask you questions as well. The first date can be as simple as two people with the mutual goal of getting to know each other better.

Remember that you have just met the person. This is the key to staying aligned and authentic in dating. It’s a lot easier to move on when you haven’t built up a dream future with someone after just a few dates. It is also easier to avoid negative self-talk and navigate ghosting or bad date experiences if you remember that you are two strangers who have just met. Their actions are more a reflection of who they are as a person, not of you. It's also easier to spot red flags and make good choices about dating this person when you can see them clearly (which you can't do if you're caught up in excitement and fantasy).

Move past texting. Texting can give you a sense of another person, but to really get to know each other, you need more than messages on a screen: facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice are just as important. Don’t set expectations based on a text conversation.

If you are curious or intrigued by a person, give it a fair shot to see if chemistry grows with time and opportunities to get to know one another. Did you enjoy the first date? Then say so! A small gesture letting the other person know where you stand can go a long way. It’s so nice to receive a message or call that confirms mutual interest and a desire to see each other again.


What’s wrong with a 10 for a relationship?

Sometimes looking for initial chemistry (a 10) can be extremely limiting and misleading. That "10" feeling can be distracting and lead to a host of problems, such as:

  • One or both individuals pushing for quick involvement
  • Unsustainable or unrealistic expectations
  • Isolation from friends and family—the "10" feeling can be addictive!
  • Hypersensitivity, jealousy, or hypercontrol
  • Lust disguised as love
  • Playdough dating—changing oneself to another’s liking in hopes of gaining acceptance and love from them


  • When have your expectations led you astray?
  • How can you check your expectations but still remain open and hopeful?
  • What are some expectations that you would like to shed?