What's covered:
- Learn about your personal relationship with being single.
- The value of alone time
- Tips on how to get started if being alone feels foreign.
Embracing Single
Embracing your 'single' status can be transformative. Instead of viewing being single as a void to be filled, a mark against you, or something to be fixed, consider it a valuable period for personal growth and self-reliance.
Esther Perel is a renowned Belgian psychotherapist known for her work on human relationships and sexuality. She is an author, speaker, and podcast host who has gained international recognition for her insights into modern relationships, particularly around the topics of intimacy, desire, and infidelity. Here are her thoughts about labels and our relationship with them:
“The myth of romantic love in which two halves meet each other to become one whole carries the belief that we need to be married to be complete and to be happy. Marriage can be rich and fulfilling, of course, but it is not a privilege above all others, and it isn’t as clear cut as it used to be. These days, we live with a multiplicity of relational identifiers: committed but non-monogamous, polyamorous, single and co-parenting, married, divorced, dating for fun, looking for a soul mate, making space to heal, or simply prioritizing our self. And within each label, there is a story about where we’ve been, who we’ve loved, what we’re looking for now, or what we’re looking to avoid. We tend to think of being single as a matter of being alone rather than a matter of choosing the types of relationships we want to be in—including the relationship we have with ourselves.” - Esther Perel
Prioritizing alone time
Whether you are single, in a relationship, married, divorced, or any other 'status' label, alone time is important. It allows you to explore your interests and passions, gain perspective through space and reflection, and build a strong sense of resilience and independence. Humans are social by nature, but there are several benefits to spending time alone. Purposeful alone time fosters personal and creative development, as well as social recharge.
You might struggle with being alone. This could be because you:
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Lack experience being alone: You might not be used to being by yourself because you are accustomed to being around other people. The sudden absence of social stimulation can leave you feeling detached or disconnected, leading to feelings of self-pity, loneliness, or boredom. Like anything in life, with practice, alone time can become easier, more natural, and even something you look forward to. Try to stick with it, even if it doesn’t go as planned initially.
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Have unrealistic expectations: If you have a specific picture in your mind of how your alone time should go, check to ensure you aren’t idealizing it. Often, alone time is uniquely special to you, not because it matches false representations seen online.
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Notice distressing thoughts and feelings: Being alone and focusing inward can be challenging or painful for some. If you tend to avoid alone time to evade deep emotions, consider exploring what you might be trying to avoid. Talking with a therapist can be beneficial in easing into alone time in such situations.
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Experience social stigma: Stigma surrounding being alone can shape how you perceive solitude. Additionally, many people today turn to their phones when alone to feel connected.
Here are some suggestions on how to get started with intentional alone time:
Pick a time: Decide when you’d like to spend some time alone. Schedule this time into your routine. If you have responsibilities others rely on you for, coordinate with them to ensure all other tasks are covered, allowing you to truly unplug.
Limit social media: Work on reducing distractions, especially those that lead to social comparisons. Focus on your own thoughts and interests rather than what others are doing. Being alone but constantly on your phone doesn’t aid in social and personal rejuvenation. Spending time alone without relying on your phone can help you practice presence, mindfulness, and reflection.
Plan something: Not everyone is comfortable with alone time, so planning activities can be helpful. This might include relaxation, exploring a favorite hobby, painting, writing, gardening, playing a musical instrument, treating yourself to lunch, or reading a book.
Pack a journal: Keep a journal to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and personal growth.
Take a walk: Research shows that being outdoors can positively impact well-being. If you feel overwhelmed from too much social interaction, spending time alone outside enjoying a change of scenery can be restorative and clarifying.
- What do you associate with the word 'single'?
- How would you like to change that definition?
- What aspects of alone time do you struggle with?
- Which of the above tips works best for you?
- When and how would you like to practice alone time this week?