What's covered:
- A review of attachment styles.
- Resources to learn more about your attachment style.
Learning your attachment style
Attachment style originates from attachment theory. This theory can be summarized as follows: how your parents or guardians cared for you in the first five years of your life plays a pivotal role in your emotional development and therefore affects how you behave in relationships—all relationships. Your attachment style might impact why you repeat or fall into certain patterns, why you communicate in certain ways, why you hold on to certain insecurities, or how you approach dating in general. When you are able to recognize your attachment style in yourself and others, you have a better chance of maintaining healthy relationships.
Your attachment style is not a crystal ball. It doesn’t explain everything about your relationships, but it probably explains a great deal about why your close relationships have succeeded or failed in the manner they did, why you’re attracted to the people you are attracted to, and the nature of the relationship problems that come up again and again for you. It is also helpful to be able to recognize certain patterns and behaviors in another person, regardless of relationship status.
Remember, none of us have control over the way we were raised. The best we can do as adults is make an effort to understand our own stories and use that information to grow as partners and friends.
Try out a few of these quizzes to learn more about your attachment style.
Attachment Style Quiz 1
Attachment Style Quiz 2
Attachment Style Quiz 3
These quizzes are just a starting point for exploring your attachment style. We strongly recommend that you consider working with a therapist if you find that your attachment style is causing repeated issues in your relationships or if the cause of your attachment style is rooted in past traumas. Here is a brief summary of the attachment styles for quick reference (note: this is not an exhaustive description nor a deep dive into each style):
Secure - Individuals with secure attachment styles exhibit healthy patterns and behaviors in relationships. They find it easy to express emotion and affection while also maintaining their autonomy and independence, ensuring the relationship doesn't become all-consuming.
Anxious/Preoccupied - Individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often doubt the strength of their relationships, feel excessively jealous, and constantly fear that their partner will leave them. They tend to overanalyze their relationships, frequently obsessing over their partner’s social media, interpreting innocuous posts as significant. This attachment style may develop if caregivers were inconsistent or unpredictable with their attentiveness.
Avoidant- A person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style values independence, avoids asking for help, and shuns emotional intimacy to avoid appearing needy. They often have numerous semi-serious relationships without fully committing and struggle with expressing vulnerability. This attachment style develops when caregivers dismiss a child's emotional needs, leading the child to stop communicating those needs, believing it makes no difference. Consequently, dismissive-avoidant individuals have difficulty expressing emotion and affection in their relationships.
Fearful or Disorganized - People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style crave close relationships but feel unworthy of love and fear losing intimacy. Their insecurities lead them to avoid intimacy and suppress their feelings. They might feel intense love initially but panic and find reasons to believe the relationship won't work as it becomes serious. Similarly, those with a disorganized attachment style also desire love but experience severe stress and fear in relationships. They struggle with low self-esteem and believe they are unlovable. In relationships, they might rely heavily on their partner to ease their anxiety but never feel truly at ease due to a lack of trust and fear of abandonment.
This attachment style often develops from experiencing abuse, neglect, rejection, or unpredictable behavior from caregivers during childhood, leading to fear and insecurity in relationships.
Can attachment styles change?
Yes. Adult attachment is shaped by personal relationships throughout life, with peers and romantic partners eventually becoming the primary attachment figures. Persistent bullying, a cruel partner, or a traumatic breakup can cause a person with a secure attachment to become insecure, or an anxiously attached person to become avoidant. Conversely, loyal friendships, healthy relationships, and improved interactions with parents can help transform an insecure attachment style into a more secure one.
Do attachment styles tell the whole story?